Forgiveness - What It Is and What It Isn’t

Forgiveness is a word that describes a concept that is often used, improperly, to perpetuate abuse, and it’s time to put a stop to it.

So first, let’s get clear on what forgiveness IS…

Forgiveness is a personal cleansing process of clearing ourselves of the energy from a person or an experience. As long as we hold that energy within, it creates a toxicity that interferes with our own life experience and holds us back from personal development.

We do this solely for ourselves.

Forgiveness is NOT…

…something that we do for another.

…something that can be demanded, coerced or shamed. 

…somebody else’s business.

…a moral imperative.

…an excuse to continue abuse.

While sharing the fact of our forgiveness with someone who genuinely seeks to right a wrong they created is a wonderful gift, it is not something anybody is ever entitled to receive.

The nonsense surrounding this concept has resulting is such poorly thought out ideas such as “Forgive & Forget” – like you’re literally going to magically lose your memory when you forgive? In actuality, you’re expected to PRETEND you don’t remember the past abuse, NEVER bring it up again (even if it happens again) and continue on without ANY consequences…

Not only is that unrealistic, it favors an abuser and facilitates the continuation of abusive situations.

The confusion lies in turning what should be a multi-step process into a single step:

Forgiveness is not the restoration of trust.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation.

Each of these steps are completely independent. Each is completely optional.

One can forgive and still not trust, and still refuse to reconcile with that person. It’s one important way we maintain our boundaries. It’s how we are able to extend our precious vulnerability to another while remaining safe. It’s an essential part of our personal power.

Those that demand any of the above steps are seeking to subvert our boundaries and manipulate us.

So, let’s see what a healthy process of full reconciliation might look like in an intimate relationship.

Let’s say we have experienced betrayal or abuse from someone we trusted.

Before we can even begin, the abuse or betrayal stops, period. Neither forgiveness, restoration of trust, nor reconciliation can even begin while that continues. You cannot begin to heal while still in the environment that created the trauma.

The person wronged can then begin to work on their own personal process of releasing the pain and trauma, so they don’t continue to carry it with them. If they are obsessing over it, suffering from it, talking about it, etc, then they still have work to do to forgive. That’s ok. It’s their process. Quit hassling them about it.

Simultaneously, the process of restoration of trust can begin. While this process is primarily the responsibility of the offending party, the forgiveness process will assist. At this point, trust is earned, not bestowed, demanded, nor something someone is entitled to receive. They already got that gift, upfront, when entering into the relationship. They lost it, they can now restore it. Has it happened before? Is there reasonable remorse? Are actions being taken to ensure it never happens again? This will all factor into how trust is restored.

It may never be restored. Frankly, sometimes it should NOT be.

This is a complex process where you work together – if you want to. It is also a completely optional process. Remember, nobody gets to demand this from you in the name of a vague concept of ‘forgiveness.’

Also simultaneous is the process of reconciliation. It is independent, but closely related to the restoration of trust. This is a process of evaluation: Is it worth it to continue in this relationship, even if trust is restored? Have you had enough? Are you ready to move on to your next life lesson, your next opportunity for growth? Sometimes we have to restore trust enough to continue to work with an individual, say, in a business or a shared parenting situation, but we don’t have to be reconciled at the level we once were.

We can forgive without trusting.

We can trust, and even love, from a distance.

Take back the power of forgiveness, free from the attempts of others to manipulate.

May we all experience life free in our vulnerability, safe in our healthy boundaries, and surrounded by those who bring joy and expansion to our lives.

~Mika Inanna

*This is such an important topic that we have created an entire 3 module online program centered around forgiveness. If you’d like to learn more, click here.