Forgiveness of Self - the Doorway to Self-Love
We have discussed forgiveness at length centering mostly on relationships, but we have not discussed the importance of forgiveness on the most important relationship of all: our relationship with self. The elements are much the same, with some important differences which we will discuss here. Forgiveness, Reconciliation, Restoration of Trust, and Absolution are still valid considerations, to be addressed separately. Each is important.
Almost universally, people tend to be far more judgmental towards their selves than others. It may not seem like it from the outside, but the judgmental attitudes and behaviors of others towards us so very often mask an extreme self-judgment, self-condemnation, and even self-hate. This is what we see from people who are being abusive – a sort of projection of what’s happening inside.
We learn to be like this from a very early age:
“Shame on you!”
“What’s wrong with you!”
“Don’t you feel ashamed of yourself!”
…and a litany of other ways that society indoctrinates children into the shame club. Children are sensitive, very vulnerable human beings, and they soon learn to internalize these and other programmings into a belief that there is something wrong with them. They think everybody else has it together, but there is something fundamentally wrong with them; that if people knew who they really were inside, they’d want nothing to do with them. They learn to hide.
And then they grow up.
And as they grow up, feeling fundamentally flawed, they find themselves angry at their own selves for their ability to be ‘perfect.’ No matter how hard they try, they are never quite up to the standards of others, and while they try to hide this, they know the truth inside. They blame themselves, and hold onto the guilt and shame, and think that the only way out is to somehow attain perfection.
Forgiveness is that way out.
To treat one’s self as they treat others, with kindness, consideration, and without judgment – many don’t even consider this as an option. It’s vital to our growth, our emotional maturity, and our self-reverence to forgive ourselves. It’s also an incredibly beautiful experience.
The biggest block to this, is to just become aware of the possibility and then the importance. Many have never even considered such a thing, and you can’t do what you don’t know. Once you do know, understanding how vital it is, creates the possibility of having this in your life.
But just like in our intimate relationships, forgiveness is just one step. It is often the case that we have lost trust in ourselves. We have made mistakes, big ones, and we were sure we were doing the right thing at the time. Or we have acted in ways that were self-destructive, or simply out of integrity with our values, for reasons we can’t identify. We have betrayed ourselves. Restoration of trust is a process, not an empty declaration, but it’s an amazing process. We learn so much about ourselves as we go through the process of restoring trust. We learn to discriminate between our higher self speaking to us, and our ego. We learn to know the difference between inner knowing and impulse. We learn more about who we are, what are values are, and what is standing in the way between our true desires and our ability to accomplish them. We heal.
Reconciliation is also vitally important, far more than with intimate relationships. It’s no longer optional. It’s also more closely tied into the other processes. We must be able to look back with love at our choices, our behavior, and our ego, and acknowledge how this all played out in our development, our growth, and our path that brought us to where we are. We must be able to love who we were, honor our struggle, and give thanks to our ego and our coping mechanisms for showing up and getting us through it all. We have to love all of who we were, as well as all of who we are.
Finally, absolution is also not optional, and it’s a beautiful thing to experience as we explicitly grant this to our selves. It is the capstone of the process, and brings a beautiful closure that is unique to the forgiveness of self.
This is the path to emotional maturity, to emotional health, and most importantly, to love of self. And when we tap into love of self, we open up the wellsprings to truly loving others from an unconditional space. It’s a process, and it can be challenging, but it is so worth it, to us, to our partners, to our families, and to the world.
*This is such an important topic that we have created an entire 3 module online program centered around forgiveness. If you’d like to learn more, click here.
